I know how exhausting it can feel when you’re not getting asked out on second dates, and all you do is go on endless first dates that lead to nothing.
You’re chatting with men online, you’re making the time to dress well and show up as your best self on these dates, the dates seem to go rather well, and you connect with the men. However, nothing comes out of it.
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One day after the date, and you hear nothing from him, and you try to assume it’s normal. The second day the anxiety starts to peep in: “Does he want to see me again? How come he hasn’t messaged or called yet?”
Come day four, and your ego, your insecurities and your nasty voices are having a full-blown party with hats and balloons.
“He doesn’t think I am interesting enough for a second date? Why? Am I not sexy enough, smart enough, pretty enough for him? Maybe it’s because I was too much in my masculine energy on the date. Maybe, I am too strong and passionate for men. Maybe men are intimidated by me. I am starting to feel that I am always going to be single.”
If you’re familiar with the work I do, or have done my Attract Your Soulmate audio program, in the training call on Mastering Your Nasty Voices, where I give you profound tools to manage your nasty voices and increase your self-esteem, I talk about how all those nasty voices are lying to you. In fact, almost anything awful that you’re telling yourself about yourself is a blatant lie.
Nevertheless, I do understand you when you say that these insecurities come up. The truth is that. when you don’t hear back from a man you felt you had a good time with, it’s easy to go down the track of blaming yourself for it.
However, staying in that self-blaming and defeatist energy is a sure-shot way to keep pushing your soulmate away, the right man for you who cannot wait to finally find you, court you and marry you.
Here are my 5 tips to help you navigate through this scenario of no second dates:
1) Don’t Take It Personally!
It’s not about you. I know it feels like that right now, but it isn’t.
The man could have a hundred reasons as to why he didn’t ask you out again. For instance, maybe he was looking for a one-night fling, but found you to be a sincere, long-term kind of girl that wouldn’t give him what he wanted. It’s also possible that he went on another date and clicked with someone else between now and then, who was willing to give him what he wanted.
Maybe after coming on that first date with you, he suddenly got the realisation that he was still not over his ex. Maybe his kid fell sick, or may be he realised that he wants to first get over with his divorce proceedings and date only then. Maybe he didn’t feel you two were a good match in terms of how differently you both saw life, even though he has no doubt that you’re an amazing woman.
No matter what’s going on with him and what his reason is, the point I am making here is that it’s not you, and it’s supremely important that you don’t make it about you.
Dating is meant to be fun, and it’s only fun when we remember that we’re not supposed to get along with every man we meet. Trying to match with every man and taking it personally when you don’t is an unfair amount of pressure to put on yourself, and will end up making you feel unduly exhausted. So don’t go there, and don’t make it about you.
2) Beating Yourself Up Is Never The Winning Strategy In Diva Zone
Self-reflection is one thing. Spending hours beating yourself up for that one word you said or didn’t say on the date is another thing.
When in you’re in the latter zone, blaming yourself for things not working out for you, you’re in the old habitual arena of not loving yourself. And in the diva world, not loving ourselves is never the winning strategy with men.
Yes, it is possible that you were in masculine energy, it is possible that you tried to dominate the conversation and make it all about yourself, and that is OKAY. We all make mistakes, and sometimes mistakes are the vehicles to our deepest transformations.
The only way to move forward in the field of love and romance and attract that soul-level love is to forgive yourself, over and over and over again, when you slip. Telling yourself how you could have done this better or that better, and playing the dating scene over and over again in your head is not going to change anything.
Take 10 minutes and vent out those feelings and thoughts if you must, but then also get over it and get back to your diva vibration—love yourself for all of you, your so-called “mistakes” included.
If you find yourself being particularly vulnerable to beating yourself up, listen to my Diva affirmations audio that will help you embrace your mistakes and imperfections, and help you raise your self-esteem.
3) This Is Probably Just A Phase
Just like in life, there are phases in dating, too. And sometimes it is just that, a phase.
A phase where you’re not attracting the quality of men that you’d hope to attract, a phase where the fun in dating seems to have been lost, a phase where nothing seems to move forward in your love life. This doesn’t in any way have to mean that you’re stuck and doomed forever, though. How you interpret your current situation is of prime importance in how quickly you will be able to move forward.
Have you ever been in a situation where you thought the world was falling apart because of a certain interpretation you made of the situation, only to have it turned around the next day?
Let’s say you felt you had an issue with your girlfriend and something was off between the two of you. You sent her a text and didn’t hear back from her, even though you mentioned explicitly that it was your birthday tomorrow and you’d like to see her. Not hearing back from her confirms all your fears of things not being right between the two of you, and you start to obsess and worry.
You share your growing anxiety with your mom. “What did I say to push her away? How come she doesn’t even respond to an invitation to my birthday? How could this be so bad?!” Life couldn’t be worse, and you cry yourself to sleep, only to wake up next morning to your friend standing at your door, singing Happy Birthday! with the most delicious chocolate cake ever.
“Why was I so crazy to be over-reacting? Why couldn’t I just trust our friendship?” you ask yourself.
Yes, you over-thought this situation, and gave it the worst interpretation possible, and tortured yourself with fears and bad thoughts, even though it was just a day that your friend went missing.
And it is similar with dating. You’re giving this “phase” too much focus and importance. You’re overthinking this too. If you don’t, it will pass, and pass much faster.
4) Keep The Trust That Your Man Is Out There
A deep, centred trust that your man is out there helps to navigate these phases where things are not working out for you like you’d like them to.
Remember, with the right man for you, you wouldn’t be biting your nails and wondering if you said the right thing to him or not. With the man right man for you, you wouldn’t be pretzel-twisting your brain to figure out why you never heard from him again. With the right man for you, everything will flow effortlessly and you can just relax and be your authentic self.
Trusting that your man is out there, as eager to find you in the crowd as you are to find him, is a very safe and comforting place to breathe into and connect with, when you’re having a down time in dating and not getting asked out on second dates.
5) Learn Without Judgement
As I mentioned before, it’s one thing to self-reflect, and it’s another thing to blame yourself for your mistakes.
When we “learn without judgement”, we remove the heavy energy around making mistakes, and simply learn for the sake of curiosity and our own welfare in relationships.
If you find you have certain tendencies on dates that do not work in your favour, ask for support around how you can tweak them.
For instance, do you have a tendency to lead the conversation or get into heavy political or controversial discussions on dates? Without even knowing anything further around what you’re doing, I can tell you that those two things are not working in your favour.
When you can become objective about the dating process, not take things personally, keep your trust that your man is out there, and that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea, dating is no more a minefield of rejections and heartbreak.
It becomes fun, an explorative exercise, a matter of chance and unfolding – just the way it’s supposed to be.
PS: For more tips and expert relationship advice, make sure you have joined my free, confidential community on Facebook, Wunder Divas.
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.
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