Dealing With Resentment In Relationships? You Might Be Over-Functioning…

Are you giving too much to your partner and to your family, and feeling tired at the end of it all? Many women come to me feeling the same, and they are dealing with resentment in relationships, especially the relationship with their man.

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Today, I want to answer a desperate letter from my client Catherine. Catherine is feeling tired, unloved, unwanted and exhausted in her marriage.

And I wanted to share her situation with you, because I believe she is not alone in this. So many of us women suffer silently in loveless marriages or simply dealing with resentment in relationships. And yet, we accept it as if it were the “normal” way.

We think either we have to divorce him, or we have to stay unloved and endure the marriage.

dealing with resentment in relationships

And I want to tell you right here that, if you are dealing with resentment in relationships, there IS A THIRD WAY that is not so extreme as the other two, and it can give you what you want!

So Here Is Catherine’s Letter:

“Sami, I don’t even know where to start. I have been married for over 20 years to my husband. I don’t know where the spark has gone really. He makes no plans for us, he is aloof and always busy with his phone, play station or the television. We end up having arguments when I push him for more attention. I am paying the bills, making our meals, planning our holidays and then, even on the holidays, we end up just arguing. I am starting to feel quite hopeless. Nothing seems to be working for me. He is only growing colder towards me – I feel like I am dealing with an angry child. I just feel tired and I want more out of this marriage. Can you help me change his behavior? Thank you so much for being there. Best wishes, Catherine”

My Answer:

Catherine, I SO hear you. And yes, we can totally fix this and you can totally stop dealing with resentment in relationships. To begin with, you just have to stop doing this one thing for me:

It’s called over-functioning!

What is over-functioning?

We are over-functioning when we “give” to a man, more than he is giving to us in a relationship.

In some sense, if the relationship were a car, we are in the “driving seat of the relationship” when we are over-functioning. We do all the work, we pay all the bills, we bring gifts to our men, we offer a massage, we call them to keep a “tab” on how they’re doing …

And overtime, our men get more and more passive. In turn, we end up accumulating frustrations and dealing with resentment in relationships. I’ve seen it over and over again with my clients.

Why does this happen, you ask?

Well, because a man likes to be “in the driving seat”. He enjoys being in the driving seat. It is in his masculine nature to enjoy it.

And when we over-function, we literally “deprive” him of his pleasure to be a man in the relationship. He gets “angry” with us… like a little child, just as you mentioned.

Don’t get me wrong. A real, happy relationship is like a dance where BOTH partners take their turns to be in the driving seat (I explain the intricacies of this energetic exchange or dance in my advanced program Soulmates Forever, when I also give you some guidelines of how much you should be doing and giving, depending on the state of your relationship).

However, over-functioning happens when a woman has been in the driving seat for way too long, for many years, and the man is not getting to hold the steering wheel at all.

In some sense, we are not even giving our men a CHANCE to be in the driving seat, if we are constantly doing everything. Do you get me here?

So Catherine – your over-functioning is clearly damaging your relationship dynamics right now, and if this happened before for you, I am sure this is the leading cause of why you are dealing with resentment in relationships.

What Can You Do When You’re Dealing With Resentment In Relationships?

Step 1:

If you feel you are dealing with resentment in relationships, first of all you need to become really aware of yourself and your urges to “lean forward” and make something happen with your partner, where you want to “push” the relationship with him forward. Planning holidays for the both of you all by yourself alone is part of leaning forward.

Step 2:

Once you start becoming aware, you STOP yourself in the moment when you get an urge to over-function and when the feeling of dealing with resentment in relationships is the most intense.

It could look like this: he comes home from work and usually you run to the door to ask him if he is tired and if you could bring him food. Instead, this time, when he comes home from work, you just sit on your sofa with your glass of wine and you smile at him. You create the space for him to come to you.

In theory it might look like a small difference, but in reality, it changes your whole vibe, and a man can sense that from miles away!

When you feel relaxed and you lean back in your feminine energy, a man feels relaxed, and he feels safe to open up to you.

If you are constantly in “work” mode (I used to be like that!), a man simply has no way to connect with you.

Plus, of course, he stops leading the relationship ahead, because you are taking away HIS job. That’s why he ends up passive, and you end up dealing with resentment in relationships.

So stop over-functioning Catherine, “allow” your man to also “STEP” into the relationship and play his part.

He really does want to play his part. But for that, you first have to quit being in the driving seat yourself.

My heart goes out to you, Catherine, and it is my earnest wish that you turn this around for yourself.

I know you can, when you put your mind to it.

Are you having such trouble and dealing with resentment in relationships or your marriage as well? In my advanced program Soulmates Forever, I dig deep into the “energetic exchange” of a relationship, teach you what builds resentment, how to avoid it, and how to make your relationship healthy and happy. Find Soulmates Forever HERE.

Content reproduced from the author’s article originally published on Digital Romance.

Sami Wunder

Dating and Relationship Coach at Sami Wunder Coaching
Sami Wunder is a certified dating and relationship coach, a blogger and inspirational speaker. She helps women all over the world reconnect with their feminine energy and attract and keep the man of their dreams.

Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.

Latest posts by Sami Wunder

Sami Wunder

Sami Wunder is a certified dating and relationship coach, a blogger and inspirational speaker. She helps women all over the world reconnect with their feminine energy and attract and keep the man of their dreams. Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.