My Boyfriend Is Being Hot And Cold! What Can I Do, Sami?

Hi Divas,

Here’s a very common situation from a private client, Chiara:

“Hi Sami. I am really going crazy. It´s happening to me again. My boyfriend of 6 months is withdrawing and acting hot and cold. He was so into me at the start and now he calls less and we are meeting less. I am making all the plans for us and when I tell him I want more of his time and attention, he says he doesn´t understand what I mean. I am starting to feel very insecure and I don´t know what to do. Please help me! Chiara”

My Answer –

I am so sorry for you, Chiara. I hear your pain. Few feelings can be worse than being in this kind of a situation with a man.

What happens is that we get more invested in the relationship than him and then when he withdraws, we start to feel panic and start doing all the wrong things that kill his attraction for us.

my boyfriend is being hot and cold

It generally always starts good – the first 3 months the man is at his best behaviour and he tries his best to make us believe that he is the one for us. There are regular dates, calls and gifts. And we start to believe that this is it – this is the man for us. Especially if he is doing all the “right” things like making you meet his family, introducing you to his friend circle, going on trips with you and “talking” about the future.

This causes us to invest in a man more than he is investing in us because we are essentially moving ahead of him in the relationship timeline. 

A man’s relationship timeline is very different from a woman’s – he is just dating you unless marriage / commitment is clearly on the table. There is no more meaning to it for him. It is very helpful to remember this truth about men because it prevents us from getting over-invested in the early phases of dating a man.

Since Chiara is already exclusively involved with this man, it will be hard for her to start dating other men.

So Chiara here is what I want you to start doing –

1) Start Dating Yourself

This means you fill up your life with things you love doing, go get your hair done or your nails done, join a book club, take a dance club or work for your next promotion.

2) Get Your Attention Off Him

This might feel counter-intuitive to you at first. You may have been trained to think that the more you can show him how much you miss him and care for him at this time, the more quickly he will return and notice you. And this is far from the truth. Unfortunately, the more we think and want and crave for a man, the more needy our “vibe” becomes and the less attractive we become to him.

Taking your attention off him also means that you also don´t want to lean forward and make plans with him or call him and ask him for more attention (just like we have been talking about on Skype). This again is a major attraction killer for a man and it will only push him further away from you.  Remember, you can never ever “talk” a man into feeling more for you – more attraction, more commitment – nothing!

In my experience, if you can just stop doing the wrong things at such a juncture, men return pretty quickly. If he is the one for you, he will be back in no time Chiara.

If you, too, are having such problems in your relationship, check out my Reignite His Love For You masterclass!

Love,

Sami

Answer from Chiara: “Thank you so much Sami. You are right. In just three days of not calling him and focusing on myself, he has been texting and calling more often and asking me,”Where did you disappear darling?”I am feeling so much more confident. Things are indeed turning around. Thank you Sami!!”

Sami Wunder

Dating and Relationship Coach at Sami Wunder Coaching
Sami Wunder is a certified dating and relationship coach, a blogger and inspirational speaker. She helps women all over the world reconnect with their feminine energy and attract and keep the man of their dreams.

Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.

Sami Wunder

Sami Wunder is a certified dating and relationship coach, a blogger and inspirational speaker. She helps women all over the world reconnect with their feminine energy and attract and keep the man of their dreams. Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.