Hi there beautiful lady,
If you’re not moving past the first few dates, or guys pursue you but then quickly fizzle out, it does not mean that, “True love isn’t meant for you.”
It also does not mean that all men are commitmentphobes or just want sex.
What it does mean, however, is that you might want to take a closer look at your dating behaviours, and see if you’re accidentally doing any of the five “attraction-killing behaviours” that I talk about below.
Attraction-killing behaviours are those innocent, well-meaning behaviours that women practice in dating, and that actually go against the outcome that we desire to create. Instead of bringing the guy we want closer, they push him away. The same is true for men, but since I am a relationship coach for women, I will focus on this topic from the women’s side of the struggle.
Please note that I deliberately use the word “innocent”, because no woman in her good head does these behaviours on purpose.
How Do I Know?
I know, because I was the queen of doing these behaviours myself, and I swear, I had no darn clue that they were working against me, instead of for me.
Thank God, I found this knowledge, which helped me overcome my own dating struggles and marry the most amazing man on the planet (for me!). And this is the same “Wunder” work, which I now teach thousands of women out there, women who want the same things as I did: a happy, committed relationship, a ring on their finger, a loving and supportive man on their side, and perhaps even motherhood (you can read my successful client stories here).
I want to say two more things to you, before going into the 5 attraction-killing behaviours.
Firstly, please, please, please do not beat yourself up if you find yourself doing any of the things I mention on the list. Making you feel bad about yourself or be hard on yourself is NOT the purpose of this article.
Instead, the purpose of this article is to raise your awareness towards what’s not working for you in your dating process, so that you can tweak it and quickly attract the grand love and relationship your heart so desires.
Secondly, this knowledge is not to be interpreted in the way that you have to “change yourself for a man.” That is never something I would stand for or recommend.
However, what I do believe in is constant evolution and learning for our own highest benefit. Through this knowledge, you grow and evolve into a woman with a higher consciousness about herself and romantic relationships, and you get empowered to reach your goals and desires in love, more effectively.
Now, this also doesn’t mean in any way that “only women should work to understand relationships.” What it does mean, though, is that it is healthy for all individuals, both men and women, to stay open to learning, challenging themselves, and practising new and healthy behaviours that help them have the love and partnership they desire.
Now that all of that is clarified, let’s dive into the meat: the 5 attraction killers in dating, that push men away instead of bringing them closer.
Attraction Killer #1: Chasing The Man
Let’s consider a most common dating scenario. You meet a man you like. He seems to tick all your checklist boxes, and of course, you’d like this to move forward with him. You’d like to date him and hopefully have a relationship with him.
So what do you want to do, or generally do?
You send him that cute message, or give him a “I’ve been thinking about you” call, or, worse still, you show up at his place with a bottle of wine to surprise him.
Now, I understand that you’re doing all these things in good faith (I’ve done them all too – read my story here!) but, I am sorry to be the bringer of bad news: such behaviours do not increase a masculine man’s attraction towards you.
In fact, they actually kill it.
What feels like the most harmless, innocent, friendly gestures to us women, actually feels like “chasing” to a masculine man, because all those actions we’re doing fall into the category of masculine energy.
Romantic relationships are based on the existence of polar opposite energies: one masculine energy partner, and one feminine energy parter.
This means that masculine energy men are organically attracted to feminine energy women, women who can lean back and receive a man’s attention and approach, vs. doing the chasing, which is masculine.
This should make it amply clear why all those sweet (but masculine) efforts to get closer to him actually push the man you want away from you.
At this point, I know your head is already buzzing and the most likely question you want to ask next (or even scream with agitation) is the following:
“But Sami, if he does all the approaching, what do I do? Just sit there like a dumb girl? And how do I show him I am interested in him?”
While it might seem to you at first glance that you’re sitting there and doing nothing, actually you will be doing a lot. Just that, when it comes to feminine energy, it’s more subtle and not so blatant.
Showing interest in a man is perfectly recommended, and it is completely different from chasing him. When in your feminine energy, you attract a man (not chase him), and you can do that by displaying some simple yet powerful body language behaviours.
These include, for instance: smiling to a man you like,, making eye contact (and holding it for at least 5 seconds), and having an open and appreciative body language, where you’re facing towards him and not away from him. Slightly flirting and touching him on the arm is also a great way for him to know you’re open for more.
For you as a woman, this may not mean much, but for a masculine man who is designed by nature to read the feminine signals, this is more than enough of a hint to come after you, if he wants to.
Attraction Killer #2: Playing Hard To Get
The second biggest turn off or attraction killer in dating is when a woman “plays” hard to get.
If you’re trying to appear busy but you’re actually not, if you’re trying to ignore his messages and calls just to get a reaction from him and “appear” high-value to him, it might work one or two times, but, sooner or later, he will smell the insecurity behind this behaviour.
A healthy, secure, masculine man will be able to see through such mind games, and it will not inspire him to pursue you.
This is where I stress the importance of inner work. Being high value in dating is all about “being” hard to get, and being hard to get is completely different from “playing” hard to get.
A woman who is actually hard to get is the woman who naturally has a busy life, has many passions and hobbies of her own, takes good care of herself, has many potential suitors, doesn’t get emotionally involved too quickly with any one man, and needs a sustained effort in order to be wooed.
Men pursue “high value” because they can feel in their gut the authentic, genuine, dignified vibe of this woman, who feels completely worthy of their attention and advances.
In my video training program Date Like A Diva, I highlight the ten concrete behaviours women can learn, in order to exhibit high value in dating.
Again, this is not about strategies. I fundamentally believe we are all worthy and high value, and yet I know, through my own experiences and through those of my clients, that very often our external behaviours do not match or represent our worthiness outside. This is what the Date Like A Diva program will help you with.
Attraction Killer #3: Being Too Nice
This is another huge attraction killer in dating.
If you’re all about his convenience, all about what he wants, never say a no, never have an opinion or standard of your own, never challenge him or give him “the look” when he says something out of line, then you’re probably falling into the “Nice Girl” category.
I was such a nice girl around men, and it never got me anywhere.
Now, it’s not that being nice in itself is an issue. It’s just that being nice for the sake of attracting a man or pleasing a man never works.
You see, men don’t fall in love with you because you’re a “nice girl.” Nice is everywhere. We’re all nice, and nobody reading this article is “evil” (I hope at least!).
I have an amazing dating and relationship support group on Facebook called Wunder Divas (come join us here!) with over 6000 women, and I can proudly say that 99.9% of them are genuinely “nice” women. And yet, many of them are single (just like I used to be).
So, the point I am trying to make here is that, in order to move out of singlehood and go into the happily ever after category, which we all desire and deserve, it’s important to understand that nice alone isn’t enough in the world of love.
For a man to fall in love and feel attraction towards you, you need to be able to show your FULL self to him.
You want to feel comfortable enough showing your own edgy side, your inner diva, your power side, your fun side and most of all your high-value side that can say no and that doesn’t make him the centre of her world.
Remember ladies, men need to feel sexual tension during dating, and being nice alone doesn’t create that.
If you’re interested in learning more about the process of how a man falls in love and the two elements that trigger deep gut level attraction in him, check out my superbly priced and powerful video training program, Date Like A Diva, here. I know I’ve mentioned it once before, but I also know how much it will help you in your journey of attracting your dream man, hence the re-emphasis.
Attraction Killer #4: Over-Sharing
This is such a big attraction killer, and so many of us do this rather innocently.
What is over-sharing?
Over sharing is when a woman tells a man everything he doesn’t need or want to know, under the impression that she’s being vulnerable or open.
Over-sharing is when, on the first date, you talk about your childhood fears or when you tell him your full line of education when he asks you what you studied.
Over-sharing is also when you discuss your family problems on a second date, or reveal to him everything about what you love and hate, all in one go.
These are just examples, of course, and understanding how to share and be open vs. giving it all away is a fine balance that can be cultivated with deeper self-awareness and inner work.
The problem with over-sharing is that kills mystery, and mystery is priceless when it comes to spiking attraction at the beginning phases of dating.
Heck, some mystery is priceless even in marriage or in a committed relationship! Our men don’t have to know and approve every dress we buy or a constant text update on where we’re heading out with the girls.
Bottomline, keep that mystery alive. It’s worth it.
Attraction Killer #5: Tagging Him On Social Media
Last, but definitely not the least. I’ve never shared this one before on the list of “attraction killers.” Just a few years back, I wouldn’t have even thought that this would ever make it to a relationship blog, but I see so many women doing it, that I had to put it here.
Posting and showing off and tagging a man on social media isn’t going to charge his attraction for you.
I know how tempting it is to show your fresh new dates to your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram family, especially when they’re hot. And yet, I would like to discourage you from doing this.
Displaying a man to your entire set of family and friends should be as huge a deal for you as it is to a man.
Even though this feels like a really small and harmless thing to do, for a man it can feel too eager, too much, too soon, or it can just make you seem “easy and convenient”- all impressions we’d rather steer clear of!
Now I can almost hear you saying: “What?!! When did Sami Wunder start to teach us to care about what a man thinks’?”
I hear your concerns, my love, but here’s the thing.
When someone doesn’t know you well enough, it’s hard to fall in love with your soul. That is something that will only happen slowly and over time.
In the beginning phases of dating, first impressions, or rather the first few impressions, do count for men, and that’s why displaying him on social media as your prized possession doesn’t necessarily align as a high-value behaviour in a masculine man’s mind.
Taking it slow, pacing the dating out is always an emotionally healthy and high-value thing to do and social media exposure of your love life is something you want to ease out on.
Got It, Sami, So What’s Next?
We’re at the end of this list of 5 major attraction killers in dating (there’s many more, but I will save that for another time), and you’ve probably already caught yourself doing some of the behaviours on the list.
And obviously, you’re wondering: what’s next? What can you do more?
Here’s what I would recommend if I were in your place (and I was once, remember?):
1. Decide that this isn’t going to be just one more free article you’re reading on the internet. Promise yourself to “do” something about it. Promise yourself that you will make a change in your dating behaviours from this new information that you’ve found.
2. Make sure you’re part of my private and closed Facebook community of Wunder Divas, where I give tonnes of expert advice, and you will find other amazing women on the same journey as you.
3. Sign up for my free newsletter tips and free report 6 Steps To Attracting Your Soulmate!
4. If you’re someone who is seriously motivated and ready for deeper knowledge in the field of love and relationships and how to use your feminine energy to change the FACE of your entire love life (I am dead serious when I say this!), then start with my introductory video dating program, Date Like A Diva, here.
Until next time, I am cheering for your success in love!
Sami has been seen on The Daily Mail, The Elephant Journal, The Natural Health Magazine, and The Huffington Post.